Monday Morning Ramblings

I am very sorry that two Mondays have gone by, with no ramble. I have sat, with my lap top positioned, on my lap and wondered which one of the hundred lanes that I was driving in to write about! I just spoke to one my closest friends, who incidentally gets closer daily and I love that, Anna, and she advised me to write about managing all of them. So, sorry again for the last two weeks, thank you Anna for as always advising me beautifully and here is a Monday Ramble…

When did I get to an age when the decisions I make, have consequences? Surely, when this happened, the odds of a happy ending were increased, as surely life doesn’t leave you odds that could mean you loose everything, on one roll of the dice. If you quit everything and start again, you will ask yourself, if you are anything like me, before you do, will it make you happy? The answer will of course be, I think so. I need the answer, when I am packing up my whole life, to be slightly more solid. Is this in fact why so many of us, don’t change our lives, even though we think it will make us happier, because nothing is for certain? 

Is the devil you know, really better than the devil you don’t? Surely that expression doesn’t just apply to people, but circumstances. If we dare to dream, then what stops us trying to make that reality? and why should I be careful what I wish for? Surely that expression alone tells me it ‘might’ not turn out how I think….

I think an even bigger question for me is, if I know what it looks like, if I have painted my paradise, how do I deal with the immediacy of now - the journey to getting there? And the really tough bit for me is, I have loved the journey for so long, that now having to put a real plan in place, a structured journey involves so many consequencial decisions.

Who do I want to go on it with? Which ones of these friends are in my final painting? Do I have room for him? This man thats in my painting, to meet him means there needs to be room for him and that means a whole other set of consequential decisions. If I don’t want to be doing what I am doing now, how do I get to be doing what I want to be doing? And what does that mean for my lifestyle?

I made a big consequential decision 6 years ago when I got married, I made a bigger one 6 months later when I left. I am still living with this decision and its time for me to not be. I have met along the way the most amazing group of people I could ever have dreamed to meet. The journey of discovery that I have been on since has wowed me in every sense, the drugs, the booze, the parties, the boys, the friends, the holidays, the lies, the truths and everything in between.

Now though and only now I long for boat trips, I long to see the world, I long to cook dinner and every year bar non I long to still go to Ibiza!!!

We had a picnic last weekend, it was our first of the season and it was perfect. Anna arrived with Drew, the guy from her painting and I, having seen her smile and laugh consistently, over the last couple of years have never seen her smile like she did on Sunday. Her smile was one that was built to last. We smile throughout our journey, but we wonder what it is that will make us smile always, the smile that will stay with us forever. I don’t think there is much more humbling, as an experience, than witnessing that smile when someone you love, has found it.

I am currently not working, despite all the questions, I am trying the dream, so its a new start for me - its going to be an interesting summer. The immediacy is exhausting and some days I wonder how I will keep going. Then on other days you smile and laugh and remember you are still on a journey its just a different one and remember how scared you were when you started the last one?

I think the bottom line is when the odds are maybe then its just up to you to increase them to definitely!