Monday Morning Ramblings

I don’t know about you but I have about a lifetimes worth of ifs and whens. I have been wondering a lot about them lately. I have been wondering a lot about what will happen to them or to me if and when they happen. I have lived a large number of my ifs and of my whens - I guess I am at that age. The biggest one being ‘what if I don’t end up spending the rest of my life with Darren?’ I have spent the best part of 5 years hiding behind that question and making up for everything that I missed, drinking, boys, drugs, party after party, night after night, new friends, new family, everything in its maxed out state and then a little bit more top! Now I need to close the if and welcome the when .

When you break up with the person that is your life, the easiest thing to do is go and find someone else to be your life. I did things a bit differently, I found lots of people to become my life. I found lives that meant far more to me than my own. I focussed on becoming an irreplaceable part of so many peoples lives, that I would never be alone, not for a second and I mean a second quite literally. I could not get in the car without making a phone call, if my diary was not full with something every night I panicked, I couldn’t be alone. This was not clear to me you understand, filling my life with everyone wasn’t something I did concisely but then all of sudden it hit me - I am talking a number of days ago that this finally hit.

Now lets not misunderstand my friends are the world to me and I pride myself on how good I am as a friend. I am not planning on changing that, I have no desire to. I am however planning on changing how good a friend I am to me. I finally have a divorce date June 11th and I asked a few of the closest people in the world to me, to be with me that night for dinner . Three of the closest people in the world to me are out of the country that night and so they cant make it. Now this is perfectly reasonable behavior, that they cant make it, what isn’t perfectly reasonable behavior is that if it was the other round I would fly to them. Once it hit me it hasn’t stopped hitting me.

So how do you finally make room in your life for you? How do you become as good a friend to yourself as you are to everyone else?

I guess the first thing is you start living some of those ifs and as many of the whens as possible.

Please note my dedication to my friends whilst might require a little more boundary setting from me will never alter.

Please also note my friends are the most amazing people in the world and my commentary is simple in awe of them, because they let me know you can be a good friend without it being at the detriment of yourself and they made me realise I need to be a good friend to me.

Love you guys xxxx