Monday Morning Ramblings

I must stop apologising for not writing and just get around to writing….
Anyway….
Do you ever have those days, the ones when you literally can’t be bothered to do anything, not even make a decision? You know you should, you know there is a whole world out there for you to enjoy, but for now and for the foreseeable future you want to do nothing or maybe more to the point nothing is all you are capable of. Even the work you have to do, that will pay for you to do more nothing, you can’t be bothered to do…  You are not depressed, you are exhausted and you have been doing so much for so long, that even doing nothing, isn’t a nothing you’re enjoying, because it wasn’t a decision as such. Well I have had one of those years so far…

I have had a blast, I have been; Snowboarding in France, partying in Vegas, travelling around California and the South, getting to know San Francisco, chilling out in Turkey, celebrating in Edinburgh and now it’s the penultimate trip to Barcelona before I see out this chapter in a village outside Malaga. Then it’s time for new beginning that is July, but what does that hold?
I have always been one to go with the flow, despite never been one to be very good at living in the moment. I think back to the times in my life when I have been truly in the moment, not worried or thought I should be somewhere else and they are few but unbelievably memorable. This last few months I have struggled more than ever… I have spent every day thinking why can’t I just enjoy this, why am I worrying so much…
Maybe it is because I have turned 30, maybe it’s because my divorce is finally through, maybe it’s literally exhaustion I have no idea…
What I do know is for the first time in my life I really want to be doing the right thing and I want to be in the life I am going to be living. I have the people I want to be living my life with my best friends, my inspiration. Eithne, Robert, Nicky, Adam, Sarah, Anna, Monkey, Kevin, Sam, Rachel, Oly, Eddie, Tiff, Dan, Richard, Paul and Rene to name a few are my life, they are the ones that make me who I am and make me smile every day.
It’s time now though for me to live up to me to be who I am going to be, to do what I am going to do. I can see it for the first time, I can see the other side and it makes me smile – now all I have to do is figure out how to get there…. but at the same time I have to keep enjoying here which is of course the journey to there.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense… I am not sure if it even makes sense to me… but I know it’s starting to, I know it’s getting clearer. I know what it looks like and I know I am closer than I have ever been and for the first time in my life, living up to my potential is something I want and not something I am scared of.
So I guess here is to Barcelona – god its going to be good, bring on Malaga – god I have missed those boys and then here is to the whatever comes next… I guess knowing who you want with you is half the battle so here is to the rest of the battle – you know what I think I may just be ready…