Monday Morning Ramblings

A little ramble for this Monday morning…

I have been wondering a lot lately how I allow Anne of Green Gables and Studio 54 to co-exist. The only way I know how to live is in extremity, full detox or full retox and very little in between, other than the odd Tuesday and Wednesday! I love living in extremity, I love the fact that when I am in something I am fully committed, but I am not sure that works as a sustainable lifestyle choice. Well actually I am sure it doesn’t.

So for a number of months now, I have been fighting with the fact that I have to say goodbye to the party girl and go straight again and by straight I mean t total. The problem I have is that I do love to party, but then I don’t like myself after I do it - I give myself a barrage of self abuse and tell myself I am failure which you would think would be enough to make me stop..?? Ah the short term existence of the party regret brain!

I think my guilt about partying must come from my mother as its certainly her disapproving look, matched with a disapproving voice that I hear… I have said it before and I will say it again Catholic guilt has nothing on a Jewish mother!!

A few chats with friends has suggested to me that I don’t need to give up one of my personalities and they can co exist, the thing that has to leave is the self abuse about the party… that seems the wrong way round for me somehow. Also I know how to stop drinking, I have no idea how to stop beating myself up.

So of course the ultimate answer - balance. But how on earth as a single 30 year old, living in London surrounded by fun people find such a thing. What is this balance people speak of, surely its simple recovery time that they are talking about…??

I think I am happier when I am sober, I know my mother likes me more, I think I am a better person and a better friend, business is better, I have more energy, I do more and have a fuller life - now what part of that isnt the most appealing offer for life you have ever had?? But forsaking classic nights with your best mates going on journeys you will never forget and creating stories that keep you smiling forever… Surely now its not as clean cut..??

I wonder if we are the first generation to suffer this lack of balance quite so severely or is this an age old problem? I got asked yesterday by my god mother whats recreational about drugs? Why do my generation think we have chemicals which are known for a fact to be addictive, under control, be the chemical alcohol or anything else stronger…

Is balance something you find when you settle down? and what is settling down anyway? Maybe they should think of a more appealing pitch for it if we expect anyone in their early 30s to ever strive for it over the party life.. As usual I dont have the answers but the battle is definitely one I can sense isnt going away any time soon…